I think I am falling for her, and shouldn't be falling... period.

Hello, Blog-A-Log World.

Long time, no see. I think I'm back. Working on being "back", whatever the hell that means, anyway.

One week from today, I can technically call myself a Senior.

Trying my damned hardest to stay afloat as these remaining days continue to hammer me down, and hammer me down...

Hey finals - Cut it out, alright?

I want to go home and sleep until I can wake up and everything is beautiful again.

hiatus

NEVER put off seeking help when you know in the back of your mind it's something much bigger than yourself.

It's a very real problem with very real repercussions.

I'm not "alright", I will blog again when I am.

Ugh.

I think I know what I'm thinking, but I probably have no idea what I'm thinking. Focus is temporarily M.I.A., feeling like I'm existing outside of myself. Loving it and hating it all at the same time. Walking on cloud nine one minute, and then falling into this deep trench of fear and doubt the next. Why must one always accompany the other?

You give me fucking goosebumps. Just looking at you gives me goosebumps. It's incredible, and it also terrifies me.

I'm trouble.

And you're trouble.

Scratch that, you're a complete psycho and a whore.

You.

Are exquisite.

GAHHHH

I can't even make myself do anything except

sit here

thinking about all the other things I could and should be doing

and that makes me feel even worse

so I continue to do nothing but feel awful

and sit

and stare at the wall, or ceiling

and my body just allows this to happen, and maybe even ENCOURAGES IT?!

It like. Hurts to move. Just as it hurts to pity myself for not being... better than this.

And the logical thing to do would be to compromise - body and mind need give a little to get a little.

But NEITHER is budging! And thus, continuing this cycle of sad and tired and sad. Body cushioning these kind of debilitating feelings of loss and GUILT. I FEEL GUILTY ALL OF THE TIME.

REAL. NOT REAL.

To whom it may concern, (but mostly GD and Illustration) -

Please stop taking the hand out of art. Stop taking the paint out of painting. Stop taking the chance out of drawing from life, the accidents from mark making, the actual MATERIALISM of a work in itself! DIGITIZING EVERYTHING SEEMS SO... NOT OKAY. Digital "painting"? News flash - it doesn't actually exist. There is not paint or brush involved, no canvas, therefor, it has no solidity. Stop pretending it's something it isn't and call it something else. There is nothing more unnerving to me than seeing a peer in a Life-drawing or a painting class, "drawing" on their macbooks using photoshop and a tablet pen. The idea of being able to click "undo" and "lock layers" and adjust transparencies, saturation, and "brush/stroke width" (!?) rubs me in the worst way. "Brush" and "Stroke" width - cracks me up.

I apologize. I KNOW how ridiculously old fashioned I am. I am one with my Olde-Timey aesthetic. But seriously - Let's see some realness. "Realness", that doesn't even sound like a word - I was genuinely shocked that spellcheck didn't call me out on it.

And to ffffound.com, please post more art and less GD :( the type faces aren't particularly interesting (accept for those fancy wood type specimens, those were pretty nice.) and honestly the flatness is bogging me down.

Best,

Julie